The Path.

 Why Must She Walk His Path?A Small Investigation into the Great Mystery of Marriage

There is a curious expectation hidden in many marriages.

A man has a path.

He walks on it for years.

He develops his beliefs, habits, friends, food preferences, hobbies, opinions—and, naturally, assumes that his wife will eventually discover the wisdom of walking exactly the same path.

The wife, meanwhile, has a perfectly good path of her own.

But apparently that is a minor technicality.

“Why don't you do it the way I do?”

“Why don't you see it the way I see it?”

“Why don't you like what I like?”

And the most dangerous sentence of all:

“After all these years, you still haven't understood me?”

Perhaps the better question is:

“After all these years, why should she become you?”

Marriage is sometimes treated like a software update.

The man arrives with Version 1.0.

The woman arrives with Version 7.3.

And within six months, someone expects one of them to become compatible with the other.

But human beings aren't mobile phones.

They cannot simply be reset to factory settings.

The Great Walking Experiment

Suppose a husband walks straight ahead.

His wife walks alongside him—but on a parallel road.

They are going in roughly the same direction.

They stop at the same places.

They share the scenery.

They may even hold hands.

But she doesn't have to put her feet into his footprints.

If he likes cricket, she need not suddenly understand the Duckworth-Lewis-Stern method.

If she loves shopping, he need not learn the emotional significance of owning seven handbags that look suspiciously identical.

If he wants silence in the morning, she need not conclude that conversation itself is an unnecessary human invention.

If she wants to visit a temple, he need not behave as though he has been asked to relocate permanently to Vaikuntha.

Different paths do not necessarily mean different destinations.

That may be the secret.

The Husband's Favourite Sentence

There is another fascinating phenomenon.

A husband may say:

“I don't want you to change.”

This sounds beautiful.

Until he adds:

“But I wish you would…”

And then comes a list.

Walk like me.

Think like me.

Eat like me.

Wake up when I wake up.

Sleep when I sleep.

Like my friends.

Understand my jokes.

Watch my programmes.

Support my opinions.

And preferably arrive at the same conclusions without making me explain anything.

The wife, naturally, has her own list.

It is usually much shorter.

It begins with:

“Please listen.”

And apparently that is where negotiations collapse.

Parallel Roads Are Not Separate Roads

Think of two railway tracks.

They run together for miles.

They don't merge.

That is precisely why the train can move safely.

Imagine forcing the two tracks to become one.

There would be no railway journey.

There would be a spectacular accident.

Marriage may work on a similar principle.

Two people can travel together without becoming identical.

In fact, perhaps the differences are part of the attraction.

One person remembers the past.

The other thinks about tomorrow.

One reads instructions.

The other throws away the instructions and discovers the consequences.

One wants to reach the destination early.

The other says,

“Why hurry? Let's see what is there.”

And somehow, after decades, they are still travelling together.

The Beautiful Absurdity of Marriage

Perhaps marriage was never designed to create two identical people.

It was designed to create a team.

A good team doesn't consist of eleven identical players.

Imagine a cricket team in which everyone insists on being the batsman.

Nobody bowls.

Nobody keeps wickets.

Nobody fields.

The match would be over very quickly.

Marriage too needs different strengths, different temperaments and—occasionally—different opinions.

Especially different opinions.

Because otherwise who would say:

“I told you so.”

And what would marriage be without that sacred sentence?

Let Her Have Her Road

Perhaps the healthiest marriage is not:

“Walk on my path.”

Nor even:

“Walk on my path and eventually you will understand why it is the right one.”

It is:

“Walk your path. I'll walk mine. Let's make sure they run alongside each other.”

She can have her interests.

He can have his.

She can believe something he doesn't.

He can disagree without declaring an international emergency.

She can change her mind.

He can remain stubborn for another thirty years.

They can laugh about their differences.

They can learn from each other.

And occasionally, they can even change direction together.

Because love doesn't require two people to become the same.

It requires them to keep walking together.

And if the roads occasionally diverge?

No problem.

Just make sure there is a tea shop somewhere where both roads meet.

**After all, marriage is a long journey.

There is no reason both travellers must wear the same shoes.**